I am fucking drowning. My heart pounds out of my chest when I think of you and I can’t breathe. All I have are words, most of which don’t mean anything. You’re like a fucking vault that requires the most elusive code to crack. I feel like I’m harassing you and becoming some crazy fool who can’t leave well enough alone. I can’t. I really can’t. Every day I try harder and harder not to say anything. Just to let it go and forget but somehow I rationalize it in my brain to where it makes sense that I have to. I want you like I have never wanted anything in my life. Not just your body, though it is exquisite, I know there’s a well as deep as any ocean inside of there that I just want to plunge myself down. Nothing has gotten me this way. You could ask me anything in the world and for the first time in a very long time, possibly ever, I could tell you the God’s honest truth. I don’t open up to anyone on that level. I’ve hid behind lies and mysteries my entire life and I feel safe there. With you, I feel open and free and it’s terrifying because I don’t know this person at all. You’re also younger and it’s hard to remember that you haven’t experienced as much as I. I probably freak you the fuck out and you’d almost be wise to just let this go, so would I. Could I though? That’s the million dollar question right there and honestly, I couldn’t tell you. If I did, it would be incredibly difficult especially since I trust no one enough to get it off of my chest. I do this to myself for reasons I will never know. I suppose I’m so afraid to lose anything. Not just you. Anything. I’ve lost so much in my time on this earth that anything that I find precious, I cling to it. I’m sorry. For all of this, for everything. I’m sure you never anticipated any of this when you got into my car that day. I tried to warn you but I think you thought it was a joke.

Unfortunately it’s not. I love so selflessly and quick that I throw myself into things one hundred percent. However, I’m driven solely by my emotions and they tend to differ from time to time. I don’t think about my words or actions until they become consequences. Oddly enough, I can’t bring myself to care. Who the fuck am I? I doubt everyone, everything, myself especially. You do not bode well for my incredibly anxious mind. I mean, you’re mentally fucking killing me and you probably haven’t the slightest. I’m going to find it in myself to leave you alone after today. I don’t know what else to do when I have no idea how my emotions are reciprocated. It eats at me like a plague and right now, I have enough tearing me down.

To want you is so wretched, wrong, devine

A longing so intense it controls my waking mind

Nothing that I have is mine for me to give

Yet so easily I bend to your every whim

I taste your lips with fear that one day they will know

Thankful that you’re gone but I hate to see you go

Like a whisper you’re so silent, never letting on

I speak to you in riddles and verses of songs

I know they have to wonder why I smile when you’re around

Who is this person, this new me I have found

I lay my head down slow, scared to meet the eyes

To be seen for what I am, to face such dangerous lies